the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Never underestimate the power of titties
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
