My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
