If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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