my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
