I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
