I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
