So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
