I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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