Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
we made out on top of his cat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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