im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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