I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
You can't special order awesome
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
