If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
