Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
