The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
