I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
