Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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