Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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