I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
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I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
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We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
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