Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
meet me or not, i'm out of control
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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