My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
