Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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