Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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