some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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