I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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