Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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