I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
