we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
