i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
