I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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