I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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