got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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