Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
