My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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