i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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