He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
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Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
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There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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