The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
