Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
