Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
