I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
