I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
