i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
