she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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