I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
