I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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