You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
