There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
