What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
