So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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