your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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