I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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