You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
i just sent this text using only my big toe
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
