I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
