My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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