take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
