Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
