I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Randomize
