Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
