I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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