The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
