just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
