so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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